Vampires Don't Sparkle
by Kai-Rhiannon
Summary: Josette Rushelle is just a woman looking for excitement in her life. When she meets the mysterious, and dangerous, Vincent D'Arrin, she gets way more than she bargained for. A Twilight "Parody" of dark proportions. All OC!


Summary: Josette Rushelle is just a woman looking for excitement in her life. When she meets the mysterious, and dangerous, Vincent D'Arrin she gets way more than she bargained for. A _Twilight_ "Parody" of dark proportions.

 **DISCLAIMER: I own nothing Twilight or pop culture related. Believe it or not, I actually** _ **like**_ **the** _ **Twilight**_ **books, but I am well aware of their flaws, which is why I decided to write this story. Think of it as paying homage to all the classic vampires, while putting a somewhat different spin on it, and making fun of something I like.**

* * *

 **Prologue**

"So you're the 'undead'?" I asked with one eyebrow raised in skepticism. I had seen some pretty freaky shit lately, but I still wasn't convinced that a corpse could reanimate and start going after humans like Lunchables on sale during back to school season. He flashed me a toothy smile.

"Actually, I am _quite_ alive," he corrected. I stared at him as he gave me an "I know things you don't know" smirk. I wanted to punch him.

"Please explain," I said calmly, crossing my arms and waiting as patiently as I could, hoping he would comply. He grinned again, as if he were all too happy to lecture me on the facts and fiction of vampirism. I leaned against the wall; this would most _definitely_ take a while. _Maybe I should take notes_ , I wondered.

"For starters, vampirism is nothing mystical at all. At least, not in the way _you're_ thinking. Much of it is still quite a mystery, but it's all very scientific," he began.

"Go on," I said with a nod, urging him to continue.

"Vampirism is like a disease. Like HIV for example, it can be spread through an exchange of blood, though not by sex…as far as I know. All of my sexual encounters with humans have ended in a snack," he grinned wickedly and I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes. Even so, my lips pursed.

"To put it in terms you can understand, it's like the best drug in the world; like the bastard child of a steroid, a stimulant, a painkiller, and an anti-aging solution. It slows down the aging process to a slow-motion crawl; to the point where it all but stops. On top of that, it stimulates extra hair—and nail—growth and tightens the skin until most pores seal shut. This is why we like the cold. We can't sweat from anywhere except areas with hair follicles, which help keep the pores open. We are the people you see wearing shorts in the winter. You will never see a vampire in a place like LA or Miami—unless he can pay for the air conditioning bill he'll wrack up. Even our gums tighten, making our teeth protrude more. Our canines also grow longer and sharper."

I nodded slightly to show him I was listening.

"Our skin is much less permeable to damage. Think of it as crocodile skin, but without the roughness. Though I will say, moisturizer becomes your new best friend once you turn," he paused here to smirk at the potential innuendo. "We don't produce as much oil in our skin, giving us an ashy appearance. It also causes an extreme production of melanin, giving us incredibly vibrant eye, hair, and skin colors. We heal faster as well… _much_ faster. A minor injury is gone in a few hours. A broken bone could be fixed in a couple of days," he paused for a moment, as if in thought. "Oh, and that's something else too—our bones are denser, like solid steel. I've never met a vampire who actually had his bones broken.

"Vampirism is like a shot of adrenaline that never goes away. Your senses are on constant alert. You barely register pain. One of the reasons people think we're 'dead' is because they can't hear our heart beating; it beats too fast for the human ear to register. It's part of why our veins are more prominent. We breathe just as fast," he paused, staring at me to make sure I was registering everything. I nodded again for him to go on.

"Everything, and I mean _everything_ , is more intense. Every personality trait becomes more prominent; you lose all happy mediums. You're either homicidal, suicidal, or a maniac. That's why most of us are loners. A vampire could never make it in a team or a relationship. However, those that _do_ find a lover will mate for life. They're loyal to a fault, much like dogs. You kinda have to be when you manage to find someone willing to put up with your bullshit."

"And what about you?" I asked.

"I'm more of a cat person myself; I'll take an interest if it benefits me, and then kill you when I get bored," he answered, giving me his toothy grin.

"I see," I said flatly. "Continue."

"One of the best parts—no inhibitions. The part of your brain that inhibits how much strength and speed you use is completely turned off. It makes us incredibly strong and wicked fast. Our advanced healing keeps us from suffering any wear and tear from overexertion. It rids us of imperfections like bad eyesight, hearing, and smell. Our absolute thresholds are maxed out," he stopped, then exclaimed, "Oh! We don't sleep either."

"You don't…sleep?" I repeated questioningly, staring at him. He shook his head lightly.

"Not typically. We're usually too wired. Let me tell you, the sex is fantastic! We can go for hours, even _days_ , without stopping."

At the mention of sex, I blushed and dropped my eyes to my folded arms. "So…um…can vampires…have children?" I asked, feeling a little embarrassed all of sudden.

"Not to my knowledge. The disease seems to make us sterile. I suppose, in _theory_ , a vampire pregnancy would be about half, maybe even a fourth, as long as a human one. Most vampires aren't interested in having children and we tend to slaughter the psychotic human fangirls that want to make hybrid babies. There's no way in _hell_ that a human would live through a vampire birth if it were possible," he answered. I nodded, not eager to pursue the matter further.

"Can you eat…food?" I asked, looking back up at him and his Cheshire cat grin. God, that grin was going to be my undoing.

"No. Eating human food makes us sick; it comes right back up. Not really sure why. Might be due to over-production of stomach acid. Now alcohol on the other hand, that is something we _can_ have. And it's great. It only takes a moment or two for the effects to kick in and only an hour for it to wear off so we can do it all over again. It does, however, take quite a lot for us to feel any buzz at all." He seemed both gleeful and annoyed as he said this.

"Why do you drink blood?" I asked. _Though,_ I thought, _he wouldn't be much of a vampire if he_ _ **didn't**_ _drink blood._

"We're predators, pet," he answered dryly. "We're built to kill. We burn through energy like every woman's dream, so we're _always_ hungry. Blood—salty, metallic, red deliciousness—is the only thing we can have. It's the source of _life_. Your brain, your heart—they would be _useless_ without blood. It's something that even I can't fully explain, but I'm not complaining."

I swallowed hard, aware that I could feel my pulse thundering in my neck. I rubbed the back of my neck nervously and avoided staring at his deep, amber eyes.

"Sleeping in coffins?" I inquired. He snorted.

"Myth. Holy water and crosses don't bother me either. We sink like rocks in water, but we can process carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide the same way we process oxygen, so it's not much of a problem."

"What about sunlight?" I asked.

"Deadly. Our reaction to it is a slow, agonizing death by blistering burns. Imagine staying out in the noonday sun without any sort of protection whatsoever—then multiply it by a thousand. It's just about the only thing that can kill us, really—though it would take a while. I mean, you could _try_ to destroy our heart or our brain, but good luck getting anything to puncture a vampire's sternum or skull. You could try beheading, but it would take a _long_ time to hack through our spine, and by then we'd have your throat ripped out. I _suppose_ we could bleed out fairly quickly if one were able to injury us severely," he replied, musing over his last sentence.

I grimaced in disgust; that was more than I had wanted to know.

"What about sunscreen?" I asked lamely. I was running out of intelligent questions, but was afraid of what would come after the conversation was over. Vincent snorted in amusement.

"Honey, they don't make an SPF high enough to work for a vampire. And who wants to go around looking all shiny like something out of a teenage, vampire, romance novel?"

I snorted. He did have a point on that one. An awkward silence settled over us. Well, over me at least; Vincent seemed cool as a cucumber where he sat on the couch. Speaking of cool, I was _freezing_ ; the air conditioner made the room feel like Antarctica.

"You have something else you want to ask me," he said. I cursed mentally; he was always able to read me like an open book...with _all_ the important stuff highlighted. I chewed on my bottom lip, wishing I could disappear into the wall.

"Ask me," he commanded calmly. I obeyed. How could I not?

"Why do you…want…me?" I stammered, my voice barely above a whisper.

I blinked and suddenly he was standing directly in front of me with only an inch between us. He grabbed my chin between his thumb and his index finger, carefully, and tilted my head up so that my gaze met his. I shivered; it felt like his eyes were drilling holes through my core. He leaned in, stopping with his lips hovering above mine. His breath was hot and I could almost feel his lips on mine; could almost feel the lips of this _bloodthirsty vampire_ on me. Ninety percent of my body was screaming for me to save myself—to do _anything_ that would keep him from killing me, since I knew running away wasn't an option—while the other ten percent was _kind of_ turned on. God, I was messed up.

"Because. You. Are. _Deliciously fuckable_. I want to use you until I break you. Make no mistake, pet, I'm not in love with you, nor do I find you uniquely interesting; I merely want to fuck you and feed from you," he answered, his voice low and husky, emphasizing every syllable of the word _deliciously_. His hot, metallic breath caressed my lips. I swallowed, my breathing more labored than it had been a moment ago. Suddenly, anything about this that turned me on was overshadowed by raw fear.

A few things became clear in that moment. First, Vincent thirsted for my blood and he clearly had _no_ intention of resisting his thirst. Second, he wanted my body just as much, if not more, and he _definitely_ wasn't going to resist those urges either. And last, whether I had planned to be or not, I was now a vampire's bitch.


End file.
